They really should make showering into an Olympic sport for mom's of little kids.
Did you know there's a precise formula to calculating just how much showering time you're allowed as a mom? With each kid, your time is cut in half.
For instance, before I had kids I probably only took like six minute showers (oh how luxurious that amount of time sounds now!). After Patrick, I was down to about three minutes. Anna dragged that time down to 1.5 minutes and since Ella's birth, you got it, I've got a grand total of 45 seconds to suds up before total pandemonium breaks loose.
KEEP IN MIND-- THAT'S BEING VERY GENEROUS.
I gotta ask.. WHAT is WITH the clockwork chaos that explodes every time I decide to make the world a better place by showering?! IT NEVER FAILS.
Even if I've got Ella asleep and the big kids set up with a DVD/game/books/what have you in the living room. If I was doing ANYTHING other than showering they'd be entertained for at least an hour in there but once that shower knob is turned all bets are off. Patrick and Anna deem Dora no longer acceptable entertainment and decide to paint the walls with peanut butter.
I mean I've heard everything while I'm behind that shower curtain from, "MOM, SOMETHING'S BURNING IN THE LIVING ROOM!" (WHOA BUDDY, you don't even know how fast I moved after hearing that!) to "HEY MOM! ANNA'S IN THE BACKYARD WITH HER EASTER BASKET STUCK ON HER HEAD!"
All of this goes down in mere seconds, my friends, SECONDS.
My childless friends innocently turn their heads to the side and frown in confusion as they wonder, "How could this possibly be such a work out? I mean it's not like the kids are going to strip naked, shovel all the chocolate they can find into their mouths and run down the street screaming "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" at the top of their lungs."
Um HELLO.. have you MET my kids?!?! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM AFRAID OF.
This unbelievable madness is not limited to when I'm trying to shower when Tim is at work but also when he is HERE.
I'll get the green light to get the chance to rid myself of my.. uhh.. "Mom" smell (I could list all the ingredients of what that entails but I'll spare you) and it's off to the races. As soon as the shampoo hits my hair I can hear Ella screaming, Tim hollering and the big kids brawling and stampeding up and down the hall like a couple of buffalo. If I'm feeling particularly speedy and think I have time to shave my legs (or let's be honest, it's more like LEG because you know by the time I completed the task of two full legs the house would be burnt down) I can rest assured there will be four highly disgruntled people on the other side of that bathroom door when I open it.
I don't know why it works that way. It just does. Every...single...time.
The icing on the cake is when I hear Tim pounding on the door (because you know darn well I learned years ago to lock that puppy as soon as I get in there.. in fact, I'm thinking of installing a dead bolt) and yelling, "MEL! I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP OUT HERE!"
Oh SURE. I MEAN I'M ONLY NAKED AND SOAKING WET BUT LET ME RUN TO THE RESCUE BY ALL MEANS.
The solution to this problem? YOU TELL ME. Yes, I suppose I could NEVER shower, that is one option. Not a good one if you have to be anywhere near me in real life though.
Or I could wait until nighttime but let's be honest, if it's a night I'm in class, showering is pretty much the LAST thing on my mind by the time my dead-on-my-feet self drags through the door and if it's NOT a night I have class there's always the fear of knowing that showering could wake up one of the kids and let's face it, even being clean is just NOT worth waking a sleeping child.
Then there's those of you who will dare to say I could take my kids into the shower with me. Let me say I have tried that on numerous occasions in years past when it was just Patrick and Anna. All that got us was a tub full of angry people with soap in our eyes. So I have to assume that adding one more slippery little person to the shower mix would be a backwards step.
The real kicker is when I have completed the seemingly impossible feat of showering to have Tim come home and ask me if I'm going to take one before going to class.
Our convo goes a little something like this:
Tim:"So you're probably going to want to shower before you go to class?"
Me: "I DID SHOWER, TIM."
Tim: "Oh.. well.. your hair.. I mean.. I just wasn't sure if you.. uhh.." (*starts backing away from me*)
Me: ***CENSOR CENSOR CENSOR***
So.. those of you wondering what to get me for my birthday next year.. or Christmas, Groundhog Day.. OR KWANZAA FOR ALL I CARE (yes, I realize I'm not black, thanks).. come over and watch my kids so I can SHOWER! THAT IS WHAT I REALLY WANT.
I mean what can I say? I'm a mom.
