We've all got demons. They take shape in different forms and present themselves in different ways.
My most ferocious demon wasn't drugs or drinking.. but it proved to be as heartbreakingly methodical as those addictions are.
I truly believe God allows us to live through horrible experiences --of all kinds-- so that afterwards we can help others that are going through the same thing. It's one thing to escape a demon.. it's quite another to get yourself together enough to talk about it honestly. I've found much of the time it's only when you open up and help someone else dealing with the same issues that you can get past them yourself. If I could help one person.. just ONE.. claw their way out of what I went through.. it would make it all worthwhile.
Of course worrying about what other people think is a huge hurdle to get past but you have to look beyond yourself and see the bigger picture. One where you can help others that are struggling. After all, our ability to help one another is part of what makes us human and it's silly to get caught up with what other people think.
So here goes... this is the intro of the book I'm writing.
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She is my oldest and darkest nemesis.
I could feel her presence rising up from where she had lay dormant for so long. The precautions I had taken so many years ago to keep her from finding me failed miserably against the stress that triggered her return. With the sensation of total chaos choking me, her dead embers flickered to life once again.
Like a freight train screaming in the distance, I heard her speeding towards me. No where to run, no place to hide, it was only a matter of time until she found me.
Hands in my pockets, eyes welling with tears, I bit my lip as hard as I could to keep from crying. I could not show her how scared I was. Fear had been building for too long, dreading she would find me. In a very twisted way, a rush of relief ran through me knowing she had, in fact, found me.. the chase was over. Now I had no choice but to confront my worst nightmare.
I slowly turned around, heart thudding in my chest. It wasn't a question of whether she'd be standing there, I knew she would be. After years of being haunted by her there was no mistaking her presence. My terror arose from not knowing if I would be strong enough to resist her throwing me head first down the rabbit hole.. again.
She had seen me at my weakest and I had experienced first-hand her extreme power.
There she was.. in all her glory. Like a long lost love, I could feel the old spark between us pulling at my heart. Time hadn't touched her glittering beauty, she was flawless. It wasn't hard to remember the initial comfort that accompanied the first time I curled up in her arms. The sense of control and power she handed me was unforgettable.
Do not be fooled.. it's an illusion. It's nothing but smoke and mirrors.
She is black ice that will send you reeling into twisted madness.
You see, what she will neglect to tell you is that this power will be all in your head. In reality, she will strip you of all control and meaning, turning you into a statistic. Don't kid yourself into letting her tell you you're invincible with her by your side. You will be the epitome of fragile.
Once she casts her spell and leaves you entangled in her web, hopelessly in love with a lie, she will begin to unveil her true identity. Her charm will decay rapidly and in her place will be the most diabolical, wicked demon you could imagine (think-- Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty on steroids, multiplied by a million).
She isn't a drug but if she were.. she'd be heroin. My heroin. She is nothing but a crutch.. a way of thinking to propel you through times of extreme stress. Once you've been bitten, it's hard to not fall back into her ways time and time again, no matter how badly you want out.. like slipping into an old familiar shoe.
All at once, like a tsunami slamming against the coast, I heard her melodic voice rippling through me.
"I'm back," her haunting whisper echoed in my ears as her blood red lips twisted upward in a wicked grin.
My blood turned ice cold and fear ricocheted through me like a pinball.
After being so terrified for so long that this moment would come, here it was. She was back.
Then something miraculous happened. I felt.. anger. Hot, seething rage boiled up from my toes as I recalled the years she had overshadowed and the pain I had endured because of her. Looking at her now, I did not only see her dazzling beauty but also the suffering she caused.. and would cause if I couldn't defeat her.
No longer was I the wide-eyed innocent that was lured into her trap so many years ago.
There would be no game playing this time around. No sweet, seductive promises. She was going right for the jugular, knowing all of my weaknesses and insecurities.
I am so thankful for that fury I felt towards her. In the end, it helped save me.
Anger isn't always a bad thing. It can ignite a fire in you that you never knew existed. One of my favorite sayings is, "The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire."
Anger can give you the strength to stand up against demons that would otherwise crush you.
This time around I had an arsenal of weapons she hadn't taken into account. She wasn't attacking a defenseless and impressionable teenager this time. I was stronger now. The past years had hardened me and slapped me around enough to be able to look her dead in the eye and decide to fight.
This time around, I was a mother. her seductive lies and incredible power over me were no match for the love and instinct in me to protect my children. She would never, never have any influence over their lives.
The first time I became a mom, I remember looking at my son and sobbing because I had finally found an emotion-- a love --that could trump anything. In that moment I knew he had saved me and gave me a reason to fight should she return.
The battle I was going into wouldn't be fought for me. It would be fought for my kids.. and when I was thrown into the arena with her again, I swore to myself I would go in fighting with everything I had. There would be no "learning to live with her" or evading her. I knew I would have to destroy her.. once and for all.
She didn't consider the guardian angel I had whispering in my ear. My memory of Matt's voice has always been gentle and calm but when I stood there, gazing at her and the beautiful insanity that swirled around her, his voice flashed into my mind, harshly, "Don't you dare even think about it." I took a step back.
She wants to be kept a secret. So it's just you and her.. because if she can keep you quiet, she can continue to torture you. She will instill a self-hatred in you that will turn your world upside-down. Trust me, there's nothing she enjoys more than to watch you suffer. She wants you to rely on her completely, tells you she will be your crutch and you will need no one else. She will be your dirty little secret and in return, she will promise you limitless power.
Her worst fear is for you to show her for what she is.. and possibly keep someone from falling prey to her insanity in the process. I knew I had to bring her to light to destroy her for good.
This is the story of how I fought the smoke and mirrors.. and won.
