Four years. It's unreal how much has changed since then.
I'm angry sometimes.. and frantic.. and it can be hard to put my finger on WHY I feel that way. Grandma's death has triggered a flood of memories and emotions that are filled with you.. and Matt. Crazy how the two of you are two of the only people that really get how sad it is for Grandma to die.. to lose our family icon.. and yet both of you are gone, too! I'm stuck writing a BLOG to you! I MISS YOU AND IT'S MAKING ME A LITTLE CRAZY. Seriously, I have to restrain myself from stomping my feet and acting like a toddler when I think about there being NOTHING I can DO to get you BACK.
Just to be totally clear.. I am not angry with you. I'm so angry that you had to go through what you did. That you had to experience pain beyond what anyone should. It hits me in powerful waves and at the most random times just how much pain you were in to do what you did. I mean I have had some BAD days.. I've experienced extreme loss and heartache.. but while I am aware of what happened to you, I can never fathom the toll it took on you. I can't enter into feeling the searing hot wounds that followed you where ever you went and bled into every facet of your life. If only I could've taken some of that pain from you.. I would have in a heartbeat. So unfair-- the hand you were dealt. You were such an innocent. I have to force myself to stop thinking about it when my mind goes there.. it sends rage boiling up from my toes. If only I could've helped you. I would've done anything. If only, if only..
This sounds totally nuts but there's something I'm dying to tell you.. no one but YOU. You'd totally cover your mouth with your hands and giggle like crazy with me about it.. and I actually picked up the phone to call you. For real. You'd think the denial would fade a bit since it's been years but.. nope.
It's been four years since that horrible phone call. I was in the car.. thankfully NOT the one driving.. and after hearing those words all I could do is grip the dashboard. Total tunnel vision. I swear I could hear gears in my head reversing and screeching trying to process what was being said to me. The real kicker is it's been four YEARS and part of me just straight up refuses to believe it. There's a piece of me that will always just be waiting for you to walk into my house, hug me and laugh that unbelievably contagious laugh.. the one I'd do ANYTHING to hear again.
Lisa.. Lisa.. Lisa. Your name has a sparkly magic to it.
My children will never know one of the most fundamental parts of my childhood-- you. I so wish you knew them. They'd totally crack you up. Patrick was three when you died. He claims he remembers you.. knowing him and his elephant-like memory, I have to assume he really does. Anna was only eleven months old.. she and Ella will never have any memories of you. I named Ella after you. I just wish I could call you and tell you about them. What I'd give to see you throw your head back and laugh at the ridiculous amount of mischief in Ella's eyes. Or hear you tell me how Anna is the spitting image of me. Or listen to a conversation between you and Patrick.
I'll be getting another tattoo soon.. just for you. Your name with two ladybugs. Just like we always said we'd get. I like to think that while I'm getting mine.. my name with two ladybugs will appear on your foot too.
My Lisa. My beautiful Lisa. My best friend. No one can compare to you, no one can take your place.
Your death changed the chemistry of my mind. It altered the way I look at.. everything.
I used to be so afraid of dying. Since you and Matt died, I have no fear of it. When it happens.. it happens. First thing I'm going to do is run like crazy to both of you and hug you for a very, very long time. Then let's eat Oreo shakes and raspberries and laugh until we go into silent laugh mode about nonsensical things no one but us would understand, ok? ;) Man, I MISS you!
Everyone always called us twins.. but we were so different. How could we get along so well and be so totally opposite?? You just GOT me. There aren't many people that really understand me the way you do.. that get my impusiveness, my restlessness, my extreme-dreamer side.
So opposite we were-- Our hair, eyes, skin, personalities. Day & night. Light & dark. Angel &.. not so much an angel, haha. :) (I won't call myself a DEMON but let's be honest.. we both know good and well I tend to wander towards that end of the spectrum rather than the 'angel' side.) What was it you used to call me? Your "rebel with a heart of gold?" Haha, I always appreciated you trying to sugarcoat my nature. You always saw me as so much more than a hellion, you always believed in me.
I came across a picture of us the other day. We were eighteen with our faces pressed together and arms wrapped around each other with huge grins on our faces-- me with my middle fingers proudly displayed and you with eyes twinkling from laughing so hard. It's just so.. us. When you were with me, I could've cared less about hanging out with anyone else. We were in our own little world. Everyone and everything took a backseat when I was with you.
Remember how when we were little kids I was forever handing you short stories I'd written to have you critique them? I remember us being around thirteen and you laughing SO hard at a funny story I'd written and telling me, "I wish I could write like you.. you're so funny." Remember what I said to you? I told you I wished I could be like you.. because you were the beautiful one.
Ever since we were little I watched how careful you were with every person in your life. You were so sensitive.. always cautious about not wanting to hurt anyone. You were beautiful-- inside & out. You had.. and have.. such a beautiful soul.
I love you and miss you like crazy.. and just so you know, my twin cousin--
You will always be.. the beautiful one.
