It's summertime, 1989.. and I'm five years old, playing outside with my big brother, Matt. Out of all the things to do we decide to play on a rusty old swingset that used to sit on the back of my parent's property.
We're laughing and swinging as high as we can, the chirping of birds and groaning of the ancient swings are background music as we kick higher and higher towards the sky. We're happy to be in the sunshine and happy because Matt's not sick as he so often was due to his asthma growing up.
Leaping off the swings, I climb a ladder attached to the swingset that leads to monkey bars. Matt jumps off his swing and heads toward me. As I reach for the first rung, I turn my head to say something to Matt. I grab the air instead of the rung and start to fall. I'm wearing shorts and the shins on both of my bare legs connect with rusty nails jutting out of steel side bars on the side of the ladder. The nails slide into my shins and rake several inches down as I slide down the ladder.
I let go of the side bar to ungore myself from the nails and land on the ground. Curling up in a ball, I cover my shins with my hands and rock back and forth. I can stll remember that throbbing. Not like it was a life-threatening injury but at five years old I can tell you.. it freaking HURT.
I didn't cry. Just scrunched my eyes shut and kept my hands clamped over all the blood.
Matt's eyes instantly went saucer-sized and he fell to his knees next to me.
"Are you ok? Let me see how bad it is, Mellie.." He tried coaxing but all I would do is shake my head back and forth.
After a few minutes, he talked me into removing my hands from the wounds. Blood covered my hands and oozed all over my lower legs.
I can still remember his reaction to seeing it. The patience in his voice was gone. "Mellie, we have to get you inside. Come on. NOW."
I repeatedly shook my head and scrunched up my nose. "No.. it'll hurt too much."
"Get up, Melanie.. GET.UP.NOW."
I could see he was worried so I slowly stood to my feet. He scooped me up and carried me the quarter mile to the house. Mind you, I couldn't have been over forty pounds and was a wiry little kid but.. so was Matt. In no way would that have been an easy task for him. I wish I had a video of him carrying me that day and the way he took care of me.
Little did I know how symbolic that incident would become.
The past two years have been filled with so many bad things, but you know what's weird? Slowly, so slowly.. the holy-crap-there's-an-elephant-sitting-on-my-chest feeling has begun to lift and there's this light.. this promising light.. that started so tiny but it's growing.. by leaps and bounds every day.
Hope, hope, hope.. it's crazy how the tiniest bit of it can make you euphoric after being in the dark for so long.
Yep, I woke up one morning from my comfy planned out life to discover I had been teleported to Oz. Everything was different. My brother and many other family members were dead, I'm divorced, my other brother was divorced.. just to name a FEW. Each bit of trauma iginited its own chain of events that made everything go topsy-turvy from the way it was "supposed" to be. It was all so foreign, so different, so.. sad. I hated it. I refused to do anything but curl up in a ball and wish for the past. Nothing would ever be the same, I would never be happy again and you know what? I didn't WANT to be happy again. I wanted misery because I felt like I was committing the ultimate betrayal to Matt for being any kind of happy.
Then I remembered Matt's words from so many years ago, "Get up, Melanie-- GET. UP. NOW."
My eyes filled with tears as I rolled them. Oh SURE, Matt.. how am I supposed to do that exactly? How do I just act like everything is going to be ok when it is NOT going to be ok?!
After stomping my feet and throwing a fit for way too long I realized I had no other choice but to listen to my brother like I'd done so long ago.. I had to stand up. Like it or not. If I didn't I knew my kids would suffer because of it. Fast forward through a lot more eye rolling and five-year-old-like tantrums and I was on my feet, trying to figure out what way to do.
"But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die.. you've gotta get up and try, try, try.." ~Pink
Then all of a sudden.. things just clicked. School, friends family and of course my kids.. it all just started to fall into sync. I mean I swear I've had so many days where I was literally dragging my feet because I was just exhausted in every way and so unsure of so many things. What's kinda cool though is that even if you don't know exactly where you're going or you feel like you're not moving at all.. chances are if there's pain involved and you're going through the motions.. you're going to look back one day and see how far you've come. How much progress you've made.
And then things start to get.. good. Again.
"Every storm runs out of a rain, every dark night turns into day.." ~Gary Allan
Your heart will skip a beat when this happens because you'll realize what I did: Life isn't over. It doesn't mean it's not going to be hard.. a LOT of the time.. and it's not that you won't have days where you want to slam your head against the wall and stomp your feet like crazy and you won't miss your brother to the point of standing on the back deck screaming into the starry night sky (sorry, neighbors!).. or standing at his grave whining, "Come on, Matt, ANSWER ME!" or be so heartbroken you can only say his name around a handful of people because it just seems too.. sacred. After a while though, you'll see that although there's been a whole lot of bad.. there's a whole lot of good left too.
You'll see it's worth the fight.
My life is unrecognizable from two years ago. Never, ever will anything make Matt's death any better.. it's truly the only thing in life (as well as the death of other people I love) that has left a mark on my heart. There is this feeling now though.. this undeniable feeling.. that everything is going to be ok. That this new "normal" I've stumbled into might just have a ridiculous amount of happiness in it.
So many times lately I've caught myself in moments where I'm just.. happy. It's so.. disorienting. Sometimes I swear I get a glimpse of what Matt would do and say if he was still alive.. still able to listen to my endless ramblings and little sister ridiculousness. I know he'd want me to be happy.. to do what's best for my kids.. and fight like hell when necessary.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I've seen a ridiculous amount of shooting stars over the past few months. Like it's weird for me to be outside at night and NOT see one. I like to think it's my brother's way of giving me his signature nod of his head and that it's his way of saying I'm going the right way.
The truth is, two and a half years ago my world didn't just stop spinning.. it whipped off its axis and shattered into a million pieces. I fell through the freaking ice hardcore. I had no idea how badly damaged I was by Matt's death. Truthfully, I still am. I always will be. It's part of loss.. part of losing my brother. Looking back at ground zero though.. it's like looking at an entirely different person. I walked away from a lot of people, burned a lot of bridges and clung like hell to those that were close to my brother.
There is no healing. I don't really believe in that "time heals" crap. The grief is just now beginning to be.. contained. It spread like wildfire through every area of my life. Over the past two and a half years, whether I've been aware of it or not, grief has fueled almost all of my decisions. There is so much power behind grief. You can use it to get you through what you never thought you could endure.. or, if you let it it will take you in a downward spiral in a heartbeat and obliterate every area of your life.
Five years ago.. actually, even ONE year ago.. I never would've imagined I'd be here.. so much has changed-- good and bad. I'll be honest with you though.. I kinda love where I am right now. Never in a million years will I miss my brother any less but there's the feeling of clawing my way to the surface and gasping for breath after being trapped under the ice for so long.
Is it the fact that I just happen to have three beautiful, perfect babies? Maybe it's my amazing family and the list of friends I can call on and know without a doubt they'd drop everything to help me? Or the gorgeous guy who's cute and funny enough to make my heart skip like crazy? Or is it that I'm finally going in the direction I want to go and by this time next year I'll be a paramedic?
Yep, it's definitely all those things.. and it's that I'm just so happy to be able to just be.. me. Again.
I went to coffee with my dad and a buddy of his a couple months ago who asked me what my last name was these days.
I laughed a little, "Tenniswood.. I'm definitely a Tenniswood."
My dad smiled, "She's baaaaaaaaaaaaack."
My dad's words pretty much sum it up.
I'm back. Consider yourself warned. ;)
