::the beautiful one::

 

 

Dear Lisa,

Four years. It's unreal how much has changed since then.

I'm angry sometimes.. and frantic.. and it can be hard to put my finger on WHY I feel that way. Grandma's death has triggered a flood of memories and emotions that are filled with you.. and Matt. Crazy how the two of you are two of the only people that really get how sad it is for Grandma to die.. to lose our family icon.. and yet both of you are gone, too! I'm stuck writing a BLOG to you! I MISS YOU AND IT'S MAKING ME A LITTLE CRAZY. Seriously, I have to restrain myself from stomping my feet and acting like a toddler when I think about there being NOTHING I can DO to get you BACK.

Just to be totally clear.. I am not angry with you. I'm so angry that you had to go through what you did. That you had to experience pain beyond what anyone should. It hits me in powerful waves and at the most random times just how much pain you were in to do what you did. I mean I have had some BAD days.. I've experienced extreme loss and heartache.. but while I am aware of what happened to you, I can never fathom the toll it took on you. I can't enter into feeling the searing hot wounds that followed you where ever you went and bled into every facet of your life. If only I could've taken some of that pain from you.. I would have in a heartbeat. So unfair-- the hand you were dealt. You were such an innocent. I have to force myself to stop thinking about it when my mind goes there.. it sends rage boiling up from my toes. If only I could've helped you. I would've done anything. If only, if only..

This sounds totally nuts but there's something I'm dying to tell you.. no one but YOU. You'd totally cover your mouth with your hands and giggle like crazy with me about it.. and I actually picked up the phone to call you. For real. You'd think the denial would fade a bit since it's been years but.. nope.

It's been four years since that horrible phone call. I was in the car.. thankfully NOT the one driving.. and after hearing those words all I could do is grip the dashboard. Total tunnel vision. I swear I could hear gears in my head reversing and screeching trying to process what was being said to me. The real kicker is it's been four YEARS and part of me just straight up refuses to believe it. There's a piece of me that will always just be waiting for you to walk into my house, hug me and laugh that unbelievably contagious laugh.. the one I'd do ANYTHING to hear again.

Lisa.. Lisa.. Lisa. Your name has a sparkly magic to it.

My children will never know one of the most fundamental parts of my childhood-- you. I so wish you knew them. They'd totally crack you up. Patrick was three when you died. He claims he remembers you.. knowing him and his elephant-like memory, I have to assume he really does. Anna was only eleven months old.. she and Ella will never have any memories of you. I named Ella after you. I just wish I could call you and tell you about them. What I'd give to see you throw your head back and laugh at the ridiculous amount of mischief in Ella's eyes. Or hear you tell me how Anna is the spitting image of me. Or listen to a conversation between you and Patrick.

I'll be getting another tattoo soon.. just for you. Your name with two ladybugs. Just like we always said we'd get. I like to think that while I'm getting mine.. my name with two ladybugs will appear on your foot too.

My Lisa. My beautiful Lisa. My best friend. No one can compare to you, no one can take your place.

Your death changed the chemistry of my mind. It altered the way I look at.. everything.

I used to be so afraid of dying. Since you and Matt died, I have no fear of it. When it happens.. it happens. First thing I'm going to do is run like crazy to both of you and hug you for a very, very long time. Then let's eat Oreo shakes and raspberries and laugh until we go into silent laugh mode about nonsensical things no one but us would understand, ok? ;) Man, I MISS you!

Everyone always called us twins.. but we were so different. How could we get along so well and be so totally opposite?? You just GOT me. There aren't many people that really understand me the way you do.. that get my impusiveness, my restlessness, my extreme-dreamer side.
So opposite we were-- Our hair, eyes, skin, personalities. Day & night. Light & dark. Angel &.. not so much an angel, haha. :) (I won't call myself a DEMON but let's be honest.. we both know good and well I tend to wander towards that end of the spectrum rather than the 'angel' side.) What was it you used to call me? Your "rebel with a heart of gold?" Haha, I always appreciated you trying to sugarcoat my nature. You always saw me as so much more than a hellion, you always believed in me.

I came across a picture of us the other day. We were eighteen with our faces pressed together and arms wrapped around each other with huge grins on our faces-- me with my middle fingers proudly displayed and you with eyes twinkling from laughing so hard. It's just so.. us. When you were with me, I could've cared less about hanging out with anyone else. We were in our own little world. Everyone and everything took a backseat when I was with you.

Remember how when we were little kids I was forever handing you short stories I'd written to have you critique them? I remember us being around thirteen and you laughing SO hard at a funny story I'd written and telling me, "I wish I could write like you.. you're so funny." Remember what I said to you? I told you I wished I could be like you.. because you were the beautiful one.

Ever since we were little I watched how careful you were with every person in your life. You were so sensitive.. always cautious about not wanting to hurt anyone. You were beautiful-- inside & out. You had.. and have.. such a beautiful soul.

I love you and miss you like crazy.. and just so you know, my twin cousin--

You will always be.. the beautiful one.

 

{pay it forward}

So.. lately I've been fighting a lot of demons that hiss at me constantly about past mistakes I've made and try to drag me down and tell me to give up. They are particularly fond of reminding me of things I can't begin to correct and tell me I'm a bad person because of them.

Driving home the other night, my focus was on these demons and how exhausting it is to fight them when the gas light went on so I stopped at the gas station. After I pumped the gas I realized I had locked myself out of the car-- even my phone was inside.
Awesome, Mel.. juuuuuust awesome.
After a few moments of going back and forth between contemplating punching the window in (it was one of THOSE days) and trying to unlock the doors Matilda-style by staring super hard at the locks, I went inside to use the phone.
Minutes later, a guy from a towing company showed up to help. He was an older man who told me he had five kids and we swapped funny kid stories while he worked his magic to break into the car. He unlocked the door and as it popped open (and I could swear angels were singing), I reached for my wallet to ask how much I owed him.
He looked at me with a smile and said, "Nothing.. call it a 'good deed'.. and maybe pass it on."

After thanking him a million times and trying in vain to get him to take money anyway, I got to thinking about the movie Pay It Forward as I drove home. I've seen it several times.. and highly recommend it.. but I've never thought about putting something like it to practice in my own life.

The more I thought about that movie and the guy that had helped me.. the more I realized how necessary it was implement this into not just mine but my kids' lives. I decided that every day, every single day, no matter what.. I'd do one random act of kindness. Just like he had done for me.

See, the thing is.. I've made a lot of mistakes. I'm not even kinda going to sit here and pretend like I haven't. I'm not a devil (well, haha, opinions may vary depending on who you talk to :D), I'm not an angel, I'm just.. human. It is a constant struggle to do the right thing.. for everyone. You can sit there and be as self-righteous as you want.. you can love me or hate me for the things I have or haven't done, but the truth is-- we all mess up. It's the human condition. As a disclaimer, I'm not trying to justify any of my own mistakes or say we can all run around doing literally whatever we want without consequences as long as we own up to doing crappy things. Not at all.
Our purpose, however, isn't to judge other people for what they've done.. it's to do our best to pay good things forward to family, friends, neighbors.. even total strangers. One totally random act of kindness can ignite endless amounts of goodness to be passed from person to person. On the flip side,
once you let the demons win-- it will spread like wildfire too. To family, friends, neighbors, total strangers.. everyone. It's important to remember that whatever you do-- even the smallest act-- it will create a domino effect capable of tremendous results-- for good or bad.

Like I've said before.. I'd be lying if I tried to say I've never messed up majorly. The great thing though, is that you can start over anytime you want. You can begin today.. RIGHT NOW.. with the intent to be accountable for any badness you've inflicted. My way of looking at it is that God made us.. He KNOWS we're going to screw up.. but he also knows the greatness we're capable of. Someday.. every single one of us is going to be accountable for the bad things we've done.. as well as the good. So if you're a saint, I guess you've got nothing to worry about. ;) However, if you fall into the 'sinner' category like I do-- that thought may make you cringe a bit.

As far as 'random acts of kindness' goes.. they don't have to be HUGE. It can be something as simple as putting an elderly neighbor's paper on her porch so she doesn't have to trudge down to the mailbox on a cold morning.. or making brownies for someone who is generally pretty grouchy.. or sending a little anonymous gift to a sibling.. or look up your favorite elementary school teacher and send her a box of chocolate.. or writing a handwritten letter to an awesome old friend from crazy teenager years, reliving hilarious memories of times you had together.
It doesn't have to cost a lot of money.. or ANY. Sometimes, what people REALLY need.. is for you to ask how they're doing and actually take time to LISTEN, not just ask the words. You'd be surprised how many people are just lonely.. and need someone to talk to. I know everyone's schedules are insane, particularly this time of year, but if you can't take the time to really talk with someone and LISTEN to them and be able to connect with them.. well, you're kinda missing out on the point of this whole 'living' thing.

The other morning, the kids and I randomly chose a house to leave flowers on the doorstep. As we drove away, Anna's eyebrows scrunched together and she stared intently out the window.
I asked her what she was thinking about and she said, "Shouldn't we wait to see how much they like the flowers?"
I explained to her the whole point of 'random acts of kindness' is to sometimes choose people who we've never met.. to get outside our little circle of friends and family and reach out to someone who is a stranger in hopes that they'll do the same thing. By paying it forward they say 'thank you,' just like I'm doing to that man that helped break into my car.. not to mention countless other times people have helped me when they didn't have to.

I want to teach my children that when you do good things.. you shouldn't be doing it for yourself. For instance, isn't it awesome to give a gift to a friend? You see the smile on their face and how thankful they are-- you know their happiness is a direct result of something you've done.. and it makes you feel good. (Not to say you shouldn't do fabulous things for your friends and family whenever you can.. you definitely should. Personally, they're my favorite kind of 'good deeds.') The most significant kind of good deed though, in my opinion, is when they're done anonymously. To do good and not expect a 'thank you' or not being there to see the smile cross someone' face and be able to take credit for it-- that's what the 'pay it forward' idea is all about. It's not about YOU, it's about sending GOOD into the world.

I LOVE what this idea teaches my kids. I don't want to expose a lot of the things we've done because it takes away from the idea but it's amazing to see it through Patrick, Anna and Ella's eyes. Sending a gingerbread house kit to a kid who I know has a less-than-great home life.. putting together little jars of cocoa powder topped with marshmallows, tied up with bows and left on the porch of a family who needs cheering up.. sending a gift card to someone that can use help buying Christmas presents for their family-- they're all little things.. but they have the power to change someone's frame of mind and remind them that while there's a lot of bad in the world, there's a lot more good. And you, my pretties, are capable of sending all kinds of goodness into the world.

I'm not telling you about this for some kind of pat on the back, I'm doing it in hopes that YOU will do the same thing. The kids and I bought little tiny stockings to to send along with our 'good deeds' containing notes that promote the 'pay it forward' idea so maybe.. just maybe.. those who receive them will do the same thing.

How cool is it that you have the power to totally turn someone's day around?

What's that quote from the Lorax? (I know it by heart thanks to Ella watching it 857 times!)
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing's going to get better. It's not."

Yikes, this blog is turning into a book :D So Happy Holidays.. pay it forward.. because in case you haven't noticed-- we live in a world that needs it!

Muah! xoxo.

{Dear Matt}

The fourteenth of October was the second anniversary of the day Matt died.. so I sat down and wrote him a letter. Simply because.. sometimes writing is the only way of dealing with missing him.



Dear Matt,

Two years-- it seems like an ETERNITY since we last drank coffee and talked. On the other hand, I can recall our last conversation in a heartbeat. I've said it so many times but.. you wouldn't believe the lengths I would go to talk with you just once more.

It's hard to believe everything that's happened and changed since you died.

On the way home from class a couple weeks ago, I zoned out and suddenly found myself parked in front of your old house. The FOR SALE sign glaring at me from the front lawn, it had been a couple of months since I'd been there. Whether it was too surreal or too real to be there I can't be sure. All it took was stepping onto the driveway to flashback to the night you died.
Clear as day I could hear, "Ma'am? Are you a relative?" The crunching of the leaves echoed hauntingly in my memory and the October wind swirled around me as I clawed at the air, fighting the paramedic who restrained me from running to your body. The image of Dad and Mom's faces surfaced, filled with a devastation I'd never seen before. The dread of knowing Mike would be there in minutes and feel the same crushing heartbreak I was feeling was excruciating.
"He's gone, Mel, he's gone," Dad repeated as his voice trembled. Looking back, I think he was saying it to himself as well as myself, struggling to wrap his mind around the horrific blow that had been delivered.
Next were flashes of sitting in the ambulance, shivering and vomiting. Oh, the vomiting. I thought it would never end.

The flashback was interrupted by a voice behind me, "Can I help you?"
I turned to see a real estate agent standing, paperwork in hand, with a warm smile on her face.
Before I could answer she asked, "Are you interested in taking a look inside the house?"
Pain wriggled through me as I hesitantly replied, "Yeah, I am."
I could've told her then my brother had passed away and this was his house but I just wanted to walk through it without having her eyes locked on me in pity the entire time.
She walked toward the garage and opened the door. Stepping through the doorway, I felt my heart skip.
"As you can see, this is the garage.." and I'm sure she said some other things too but my own thoughts were too loud to listen to her.
I know this is the garage, lady, my brother died in here, I wanted to snap at her. I bit my tongue and nodded.
She led me through the house and, by the end of the tour, I'm quite sure she thought I was nuts. I couldn't help but stare into each room and reminisce and just try to feel your presence there again.

No matter where I go, I run into people that knew you or knew of you.

So often I find myself delving into the past and reliving memories of you. Just for the record.. whoever said this would get easier is a total idiot. It doesn't.. it gets WORSE.

It's so hard to believe that Grandma will be gone soon. She'll be.. with you. I'm going to miss her so much. During the last conversation I had with her she said she couldn't wait to see you again.. and Tommy.. and Lisa.. and Grandpa. She'll get to meet Anne Marie's little baby Tina.. and my Harper & Paxton. A pang of jealousy shot through me as I told her to give you all hugs and kisses. I would LOVE to be able to see you give her a hug when she gets to Heaven.
She squeezed my hand and said, "Don't worry.. before you know it we'll all be together again." I, of course, lost it at that point and started bawling. Is it weird I wish we could fast forward to that day?! To when we can all be in one place.. with no more tears, no more goodbyes.. just lots of love and laughter. (You'll know me-- I'll be the one that won't stop hugging you. Remember how I used to hang onto you and never leave your side when we were little? You can look forward to that all over again! :P)

How crazy is it that you've held two of my babies before I've even met them? Knowing you would be up there, rocking them and taking care of them.. was the only thing that consoled me after losing them. Given their DNA, I'm sure 'double trouble' doesn't begin to cover them, does it? :) I doubt they ever go very far from you. Thank you for taking care of them until I get there.

 

You'd be so proud of Mike. You wouldn't BELIEVE what he's had to overcome these past two years. Gina, Isabel and Julia are so big. Gina is ten.. TEN!!! Doesn't it seem like she was a tiny baby like five minutes ago?! Mike is so good with them.. but that's nothing new.

You saw firsthand what he endured through the years. It's an absolute miracle he has emerged from that situation being good-hearted and without bitterness. He's happy now.. but he misses you a lot. He and I have never been closer than we are now. I know I could never take the place in his heart reserved for you, nor would I ever try. It kills me though, to see how deep his grief for you goes.. and there's nothing I can do about it.

He wrote me a note when we were in church a couple weeks ago that made me cry like a baby. There was a little space between the two of us and his note said, "Matt is sitting in between us, Mellie. Isn't that good to think about?" He thinks about you constantly. I worry about him because he's gotten so good at being tough.

Dad and Mom are doing pretty good. They have good and bad days of course. You are always, always on their minds. I can see it in their eyes. Even when we're not talking about you.. we are missing you. The grief hangs in the air. Some days we cope better than others but it's always just.. there.

Patrick, Anna and Ella are getting so big! Hard to believe Ella was only six months old when you died. She talks about you EVERY day though. She'll walk up to a picture of you and just talk and talk.. like you guys are having a conversation or something. Anna has vowed to learn to play the guitar "just like Uncle Matt" and Patrick wants to hear stories about when we were little every night when I tuck him in. They love you lots!

Since your death-- Dad, Mom, Mike and I-- we are so much stronger. We're already bound together as a family but the grief and love for you has made us all so much closer. I really believe your parting gift to us was to ignite a fire in each of us to love each other no matter what, to stick up for each other through thick and thin.

I'm taking EMT classes now. I've never told anyone this but.. since the night you died, I have a panic attack every time I hear a ambulance siren. So I forced myself to take these classes. I literally find myself grabbing onto the table in front of me when the instructor talks about asthma and airway emergencies. Hits too close to home. I can't wait to be a paramedic though.. I think you'd be proud of me.

I fell in love with your best friend. I'm sure that makes you chuckle.. you know how difficult and stubborn I am. He can put up a pretty good fight too though. :) He makes me laugh SO hard. Long before he and I were what we are now.. he was the one that was there for me and helped me through the impossible. One thing I love about him is how loyal he is to you-- in life and death. We have been through some NONSENSE together (by 'nonsense' I am doing some hardcore censoring).. and I'm really looking forward to the future.

I've learned so much the past couple of years. Sometimes I get so sad wishing I could talk things over with you and you'd be here to reassure me things will be ok. I swear sometimes I can actually feel you with me and there is a moment of total peace. I just have to realize you ARE here with us.. but in a different way now.

I love you to the moon & back!

--Mellie

p.s. Thanks for the rainbow at the race! :)

 

 

 

smoke and mirrors

We've all got demons. They take shape in different forms and present themselves in different ways.

My most ferocious demon wasn't drugs or drinking.. but it proved to be as heartbreakingly methodical as those addictions are.
I truly believe God allows us to live through  horrible experiences --of all kinds-- so that afterwards we can help others that are going through the same thing. It's one thing to escape a demon.. it's quite another to get yourself together enough to talk about it honestly. I've found much of the time it's only when you open up and help someone else dealing with the same issues that you can get past them yourself. If I could help one person.. just ONE.. claw their way out of what I went through.. it would make it all worthwhile.

Of course worrying about what other people think is a huge hurdle to get past but you have to look beyond yourself and see the bigger picture. One where you can help others that are struggling. After all, our ability to help one another is part of what makes us human and it's silly to get caught up with what other people think.

So here goes... this is the intro of the book I'm writing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She is my oldest and darkest nemesis.

I could feel her presence rising up from where she had lay dormant for so long. The precautions I had taken so many years ago to keep her from finding me failed miserably against the stress that triggered her return. With the sensation of total chaos choking me, her dead embers flickered to life once again.
Like a freight train screaming in the distance, I heard her speeding towards me. No where to run, no place to hide, it was only a matter of time until she found me.

Hands in my pockets, eyes welling with tears, I bit my lip as hard as I could to keep from crying. I could not show her how scared I was. Fear had been building for too long, dreading she would find me. In a very twisted way, a rush of relief ran through me knowing she had, in fact, found me.. the chase was over. Now I had no choice but to confront my worst nightmare.
I slowly turned around, heart thudding in my chest. It wasn't a question of whether she'd be standing there, I knew she would be. After years of being haunted by her there was no mistaking her presence. My terror arose from not knowing if I would be strong enough to resist her throwing me head first down the rabbit hole.. again.

She had seen me at my weakest and I had experienced first-hand her extreme power.

There she was.. in all her glory. Like a long lost love, I could feel the old spark between us pulling at my heart. Time hadn't touched her glittering beauty, she was flawless. It wasn't hard to remember the initial comfort that accompanied the first time I curled up in her arms. The sense of control and power she handed me was unforgettable.

Do not be fooled.. it's an illusion. It's nothing but smoke and mirrors.

She is black ice that will send you reeling into twisted madness.

You see, what she will neglect to tell you is that this power will be all in your head. In reality, she will strip  you of all control and meaning, turning you into a statistic. Don't kid yourself into letting her tell you you're invincible with her by your side. You will be the epitome of fragile.

Once she casts her spell and leaves you entangled in her web, hopelessly in love with a lie, she will begin to unveil her true identity. Her charm will decay rapidly and in her place will be the most diabolical, wicked demon you could imagine (think-- Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty on steroids, multiplied by a million).

She isn't a drug but if she were.. she'd be heroin. My heroin. She is nothing but a crutch.. a way of thinking to propel you through times of extreme stress. Once you've been bitten, it's hard to not fall back into her ways time and time again, no matter how badly you want out.. like slipping into an old familiar shoe.

All at once, like a tsunami slamming against the coast, I heard her melodic voice rippling through me.
"I'm back," her haunting whisper echoed in my ears as her blood red lips twisted upward in a wicked grin.
My blood turned ice cold and fear ricocheted through me like a pinball.

After being so terrified for so long that this moment would come, here it was. She was back.

Then something miraculous happened. I felt.. anger. Hot, seething rage boiled up from my toes as I recalled the years she had overshadowed and the pain I had endured because of her. Looking at her now, I did not only see her dazzling beauty but also the suffering she caused.. and would cause if I couldn't defeat her.
No longer was I the wide-eyed innocent that was lured into her trap so many years ago.
There would be no game playing this time around. No sweet, seductive promises. She was going right for the jugular, knowing all of my weaknesses and insecurities.

I am so thankful for that fury I felt towards her. In the end, it helped save me.

Anger isn't always a bad thing. It can ignite a fire in you that you never knew existed. One of my favorite sayings is, "The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire."
Anger can give you the strength to stand up against demons that would otherwise crush you.

This time around I had an arsenal of weapons she hadn't taken into account. She wasn't attacking a defenseless and impressionable teenager this time. I was stronger now. The past years had hardened me and slapped me around enough to be able to look her dead in the eye and decide to fight.
This time around, I was a mother. her seductive lies and incredible power over me were no match for the love and instinct in me to protect my children. She would never, never have any influence over their lives.

The first time I became a mom, I remember looking at my son and sobbing because I had finally found an emotion-- a love --that could trump anything. In that moment I knew he had saved me and gave me a reason to fight should she return.

The battle I was going into wouldn't be fought for me. It would be fought for my kids.. and when I was thrown into the arena with her again, I swore to myself I would go in fighting with everything I had. There would be no "learning to live with her" or evading her. I knew I would have to destroy her.. once and for all.

She didn't consider the guardian angel I had whispering in my ear. My memory of Matt's voice has always been gentle and calm but when I stood there, gazing at her and the beautiful insanity that swirled around her, his voice flashed into my mind, harshly, "Don't you dare even think about it." I took a step back.

She wants to be kept a secret. So it's just you and her.. because if she can keep you quiet, she can continue to torture you. She will instill a self-hatred in you that will turn your world upside-down. Trust me, there's nothing she enjoys more than to watch you suffer. She wants you to rely on her completely, tells you she will be your crutch and you will need no one else.  She will be your dirty little secret and in return, she will promise you limitless power.
Her worst fear is for you to show her for what she is.. and possibly keep someone from falling prey to her insanity in the process. I knew I had to bring her to light to destroy her for good.

This is the story of how I fought the smoke and mirrors.. and won.